


HollywoodStuck

by NotASmoothOperator



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ? - Freeform, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, Director John, Flushed Romance | Matesprits, I'll add more tags as the story picks up, M/M, Misunderstandings, Multi, Romance, Teenage Dirk, Underage - Freeform, hollywoodstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-08-15
Updated: 2014-04-11
Packaged: 2017-12-23 14:38:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,747
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/927686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NotASmoothOperator/pseuds/NotASmoothOperator
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stuck-up pricks, lisping set guys, wordy siblings, annoying girlfriends... and to top it all off the most adorable, blue-eyed director ever.<br/>Too bad he's taken, your big bro's best friend, and a good five years older than you.<br/>Yup.<br/>You're Dirk Strider and your holiday just got a lot more complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Three AM Rush

**Author's Note:**

> So I'm taking a quick break from 'Catfishing the Hacker' with this little bit here! I haven't had much time to check over it for spelling/grammar mistakes but I'll promise to update this soon! It was one of those 1 am inspirations when 'BFB' by Victoria Justice came on my Pandora station, so if it's a little confusing and rushed right now I'll be sure to update and put out the next chapter as soon as possible! Please bare with it for now and suggestions as well as encouragement are wholly appreciated and will help with my writing! Thank you!

A loud bang and a heavy weight leapt onto your chest, knocking the breath out of you.

“Mornin’, Darlin.” An overly exaggerated southern voice drawls.

Fuck sleeping in apparently.

You groaned for the attacker to “get the fuck off”, earning a shove on your bare shoulder.

“No can do, Dirky-boo. Rise and shine, the cocks have risen and the hens are twerking… or whatever.” The voice of your older brother and guardian replied, snicker clear in his voice.

You cracked an eye open to get a face full of your aviator-wearing-shit-eating-grin-faced brother, or Dave, for short.

“Asshole. Get. Off.” A snort accompanied by another shove was the only response you gained from your brother. You huffed, turning to look toward your shaded window.

“Why isn’t the sun up?” You blanked.

“Cause it’s three am.” He replied as if you were the stupid one.

You pounced onto your dick of a brother.

Strife later, found the two of you in the cramped kitchen of your apartment. You wiped remaining blood from your cheek, were you’d managed to get nicked by your brother’s sword during the strife, as you relaxed into a creaky chair. At least it wasn’t as bad as last time.

“How dare you damage the merch, Bro.” You called out to Dave who was downing apple juice straight out of the carton and leaning against the counter. Dave looked over to your place at the little table that hadn’t seen much use, much unlike the TV trays.

“I don’t recall cutting off your dick.” He monotoned, with brows raised in silent humor.

“Fuck you, Bro.”

“Not with a damaged face like that.”

You groaned once more.

“So why the fuck did you wake me up at three on the first night of winter break, Bro?” You asked, ready for a second strife if he said something stupid-

“We’re goin’ up to visit the Egderp up at his place in Hollywood for the holidays.”

“What.”

“Get your shit packed.”

You challenge your bro by staring at him blankly. Fuck him, you guys could have easily packed and got on the road at a decent time. It was a twenty three hour drive no matter what. You’ve done it about three times and you’ve absolutely hated it. Dave and John have a bro meet up at least once a year and usually John flies himself down to your lovely place in Houston.

Excuse your language.

Shit hole in Houston. It’s an obvious statement on your guys’ income and each time John flies down to stay for a couple of days he always tries to hide money around the place, but being Striders Dave and you always slip it back into his things.

“Or don’t. I could give less of a shit if you feel fine wearing that the entire break.”

You break out of your gaze and glance down at your Rainbow Dash boxers.

“But seriously, Dirk, go get packed.” Dave ordered, focused on shaking his now empty apple juice carton.

You flash stepped the fuck outta there because your bro and an empty apple juice carton is not a good combination.

You pull out your My Little Pony backpack.

No you do not think it’s weird.

You rather like the Rainbow Dash wings on each side. Plus you love watching peoples’ reactions when they see your brony gear.

In your process of throwing random shit from your closet floor and hangers into your bookbag, a metal frame dropped from an old shirt.

Oh shit, why did you even smell that?

Oh well, what the hell is this…?

You picked up the metal frame and turned it over in your hands to inspect the forgotten frame.

It’s a picture from two years ago.

Bright blue eyes connected to a face that was squished cheek-to-cheek with a face that had pointy-shade-covered eyes.

_“Yo, Dirk.” Dave called, staring at a digital camera his friend John Egbert had gotten him for his birthday. The same camera you refused to have your picture taken from. It wasn’t that you hated pictures; you just hated people taking pictures of you. You really hated posing with others for pictures by any means._

_You glanced over from the couch when you heard John covering his giggles with his fist in the corner of the room._

_“Yeah, Bro?” You wearily asked, John giggling meant pranks, and Dave in on pranks were usually the worst. You are such a poor child._

_“I wanna test the camera out.”_

_“Cool.” You turned back to fiddling with your remote controlled helicopter you’d assembled yourself after taking it apart. Just for the hell of it and to figure out how it worked._

_“Dirk.” Dave’s voice went flat._

_“Fine.” You turned to face him from the couch to flash your stoic face toward the camera._

_“Smile.”_

_“Fuck you.” You bit back._

_Dave snickered._

_At what-?_

_‘Shit. When did-‘_

_You were grabbed by a set of tan arms and your personal bubble was forever destroyed as John squished your freckled cheek to his un-blemished cheek._

_“Cheese!”_

_A flash._

_You took a moment to let what just happened, sink in._

_“Ge’off a’ me, Egbert.” You tried to sound like Dave with the whole ‘flat yet scary as fuck’._

_Apparently that didn’t work because John laughed. Either you didn’t do it well or John was just a dumbass._

_John squeezed you tighter._

_You’re going to assume the latter._

_A dramatic and teasing ‘muah’ later and you realized John had kissed your cheek._

_You had to fight your jaw from dropping, whereas Dave howled in laughter, nearly tipping his chair._ _  
_

_You sat rigid and shocked, while Dave tipped the chair over completely by a second onslaught of laughter._

_“Oh, Dirk, I didn’t know you’d take it that seriously! I thought you and Dave were all into the whole ‘ironic’ jib!” John half said half laughed._

_You looked over to him, eyebrows furrowed. Dave decided to speak up, having set the chair straight and settled into it once more._

_“You look red enough to be Hell Boy, lil man.” Dave chuckled._

_You brought the back of your hand to feel your face and-_

_‘Oh shit I’m burning.’_

_“Did I break a Strider-?” John started to tease. Started to, because you shoved a couch pillow in his face before he could continue._

You feel your mouth quirk up as you replayed the events; finding amusement in it now rather than then.

“Knock, knock.”

You fumble the picture a bit; too caught up in remembrance of how blue John’s eyes were…

“Huh. Well that’s weird. I thought you didn’t like John.” Dave said in your ear.

You really need to be on alert.

“I never said I didn’t.” You reply nonchantly, as you throw the picture into the bag. You can feel Dave’s eyes on you, but you shrug it off; flinging the chords to various devices such as your laptop, phone, and mp3. They’re all pretty shitty devices but hey, make do with what ya got right?

You grab your earphones lastly, cause like hell do you want to listen to your big bro. Flinging your bag over your shoulder like some Gucci hoe, you go ahead and put the earphones in. Without plugging them into your mp3 because you’re honestly too tired to pull it out and you obviously weren’t anticipating how big of a dick your bro was going to be when you shoved it into your bag aimlessly.

Well it is like three fucking thirty in the dicking morning.

“No fucking my friends, Dirk.” Dave teases when you turn around, flicking your nose. “Oh shit…”

“What?” You question, feeling a headache coming on.

“I thought you would be the one to tell me that…” Dave snickers at you. You settle a glare at the douche of a brother you have.

As if you’d actually fall for some dork like John…

You feel Dave’s calculating eyes on you and suddenly you feel stupid, not remembering you didn’t have your shades on. You’re an open book without them on to Dave.

You turn to your bed, pick up your blanket, and shake it a few times until a pair of pointed shades, come tumbling out.

Now you are prepared for hours with Dave, you think as you slip by your bro, ready to leave.

 “Oh, Dirk, are you totally in the doki’s with John?” Dave follows behind you, spinning his set of keys.

“Yes.” You take pride when you realize his footsteps faltered. “C’mon, Bro, I don’t want to miss a second of my time I could be spending with Senpai Egbert.” You say, jabbing the down button for the elevator.

He finishes locking up the apartment and slides into the elevator with a bleak expression.

Dave’s silent the way down on the elevator. Score.

It was a victory for you until you notice him pulling out a note with his scribble of written down times and airlines…

“We’re flying-?” You question, trying to not let shock seep through, but since your bro is Dave Strider, you might as well have screamed.

Dave raised an eyebrow at you.

You knew why, too. Lately you’ve been off. Maybe it’s because you finally seem to be hitting puberty… as a fifteen year old, in the ninth grade now, you notice the signs of puberty in a snap, and boy are you picking up on them now.

Just what you need, to be stuck in Hollywood as you ease into the mirthless thing that is puberty.

“Fucking puberty.” You mumble as the elevator doors open and the Texas heat hits you full force, even though you’re in the lobby. Dave pats your back.

“It’ll be good, lil man. Even in the midst of puberty, John couldn’t beat your…” Dave pauses, flipping his hair as if he was in a soap opera. “Irony.”

You roll your eyes so hard you’re surprised they didn’t fall out.

“Anyway, to answer you pathetic squeak back in the elevator, John booked us plane tickets. Also the reason I woke you up so early.”

You pause, quirking an eyebrow at Dave.

“The crazy shit called me at almost two saying he’d booked a flight for us and to hurry up.”

You decide that John will pay for that.

“I know, lil man, he completely interrupted my lunch.”

You halt.

“You’re such an asshole. Why couldn’t I just have a fat nanny to yell at me all day as she watched her soaps to take care of me?”

“Cause I do that already and look good doing it.”

“Asshole.”

“Where-?”

You groan. At least traveling by plane will be faster.

Or not.

You sit in your seat next to the window and you forgot one thing.

“Dirk.”

Your brother isn’t preoccupied by driving and trying to stay alert traveling by plane.

“Yo.”

And he is really pissing you off.

“Dirk.”

Oh hey look, clouds that aren’t your asshole bro.

“Yo.”

That one looks like a dick.

“Dirk.”

Yeah, it even has aviators and all that shit.

“Yo.”

You give up on clouds and whip your head around to look at your amused brother.

“What.”

“It’s bonding time.”

“Oh, hell no.”

“You best believe it, Dirky-boo. Today is our first time talking in weeks.”

“Maybe if you weren’t such a-“

“Hush. It’s mother- son time.” Dave interrupted, patting your face. You raised both eyebrows at your bro.

‘I wonder what the flight attendants would do if there was a strife to break out.

You were all too happy when the plane touched down near Hollywood.

… And a little too excited when Dave and you see a man with messy black hair and square-framed glasses hiding Jolly-Rancher colored blue eyes, if the little thump you felt in your chest is anything to go by.

‘Damn puberty.’

You can tell this holiday is going to suck already.

 


	2. In Which Dirk Meets The Current Girlfriend...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter seems to mainly be centered around Dave's disliking of John's girlfriend but I had to set up for the next chapter! Sorry I've been gone for so long don't worry I didn't abandon this fic! Spring break means time so thank you all who left kudos and comments ily.

The candy-eyed dweeb waved his arm violently enough to scare bystanders once he’d caught sight of Dave and you make your departure from your flight.

You nearly ran into Dave’s back when he suddenly stopped short and held a hand over his heart.

“Johnny boy! You waited for me-?” Dave’s voice raised a pitch as he reenacted a southern bell from the 1800s.

“Yes, my heart!” John called dramatically as they both jogged to meet in the space in-between.

And you suddenly wished you were anywhere but here with those two embarrassing dorks.  You observed the two of them as John, who was supposed to be the male of the two was picked up and swung around by your bro.

You really wanted to either take pictures of the expressions of John and Dave’s on-lookers or just flat out leave on the next flight to Houston.

You must have been too caught up in looking up at the flight times because suddenly you were being forced into a very un-ironic bear hug.

“Oh my god! Dirk’s almost as tall as me!” John cried out, from about two inches above you.

“Dude, he’s just now hitting puberty.” Dave scoffed from his wopping six and three inches.

“Well I won’t be growing if you keep on squeezing the shit outta me, Egbert-Senpai.” You monotone to the lollipop kid, clinging to you like a koala, that is the Egdork.

You nearly break face when your bro shoots you a look of shock.

“Huh? Isn’t that a way to call me your teacher?” John dorks out loud.

Dave and you stare at John.

John itches his way out of the hug he’d initiated, uncomfortably.

You only held onto his retreating arms slightly.

Just enough to be ironic.

“Guyyyyyyys, cut it out!” He whines, shuffling awkwardly.

Your bro glances at you with a smirk and you nod.

“Hey-!”

Your bro takes the right arm of Egbert, and you take the left, you two proceed to take part in the most uncomfortable staring contest with the Egbert.

“Oh, I hate you both why did I even want you here in the first place-?!” John whines again.

When John begins to walk, you and Dave follow, never breaking stares.

The rest of the way to John’s car you and Dave hold stares, ignoring John’s insistent complaints.

Your stares are shattered when a loud cackle pierces your ears.

“Ooooooooh, are these the infamous Striders you’ve been telling me about, Johnnnnnnnn?” You look to the opened door of the passenger’s seat in John’s car to see a bohemian mess of a babe stretched out comfortably.

John laughs and nods at the chick, “Vriska, this is Dave and Dirk Strider, Striders, this is my girlfriend Vriska!” John grins between the three.

If your bro’s slight shudder and barely grimace is anything to go by, Vriska won’t be a welcomed company for the Strider’s seasoned stay.

Even though you can tell he doesn’t want to, Dave shakes hands with the bo-hoe.

You think Dave’s pout the entire way to John’s residence is because the passenger seat of John’s blue BMW has always been his.

You are the fifteen year old here but your twenty year old brother is acting like the kid now.

Twenty minutes of Strider pouting and a shitty radio host called “The Cro-Man”, like no seriously that’s what this guy called himself. Dirk was itching to ask why in the _fuck_ they were listening to it until Egdork and Bo-Hoe called the hosts by name and made light jeers about their performances and how they were ‘soooooooo going to bring that up to them’.

Seriously, Egdork?

This chick-?

You’ve officially upgraded to Egdumbass.

When you finally pulled up to the condo was like some sweet iced tea on the hottest day in hell.

It was hella of a reliever.

Yeah, until the ice melted,

“So I hope you guys don’t mind sharing a room, Vriska and I are in the master bedroom so the guest room is all yours!” Egdumbass turned around in his seat flashing a wide buck-toothy grin.

“But, John, what do you mean they only now have to share a guest room?” Vriska questioned, glancing at Dave quickly.

John flushed, “I-uh-we-…”

“Joooooooohny and I have shared some great memories together on that bed.” Dave mocked with a sigh. John bit at his cheek to keep from smiling as his girlfriend was not quite amused by Dave’s comment.

“Oh! Our _best_ sleep-over had to be his eighteenth birthday party when he first moved in and we-“

“Oh-ho, would you look at that-! It’s nearly time for the hosting dinner for the movie!” John yelped, rushing out of the car and quickly escorting Vriska out of her seat.

Not before John shot Dave a murderous glance with just a touch of amusement.

The two of you climb out of the car and you question Dave with your eyes.

He shrugs, “That’s a story for when you’re able to get me drunk enough or around _her_ long enough, little man.”


	3. Let's Rid Ourselves...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there has been too much dumpster shopping, a concussion queen becomes your bro, and you get touched more than you like in one afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't had time to really read over this chapter because I'm drained but I'll update and fix any mistakes soon... after some coke and rest from these cute lil shits. Love to you all who review, kudos, and bookmarked.

The time between Dave and you getting out of the car and some asshole on a moped nearly running the two of you over was hardly a minute.

That was when your bro turned into a mother hen.

“ _What the fuck_ -?!” Dave shouted, pulling you behind him. You wanted to protest that it was kind of late to be doing that but you saw the veins in your bro’s neck pop out and you were _not_ going to mess with that.

The moped had swerved and nearly crashed into the brick complex after barely avoiding crashing into you two. The driver fell off of their ride themselves and just kinda laid there on the pavement.

“ _Dude._ ” Your bro began stalking up to the reckless and possibly dead rider.

“Bro-!” You called out, the guy probably had a heart attack because people that are fine do not lay that still.

“Shut up, Dirk Strider.” Dave grit out, “He’s either faking or hurt, and I’m not going to be too happy if it’s the first.” You shut up as told because you’ve only seen your bro like this three times before, the first two were from times when you’d nearly drowned because you’ve never been much of a swimmer and for some reason kept going swimming.

But the third time had been awful, you were in the third grade and had pulled down one of his swords to mess around with but you’d ended up fumbling the damn thing and sliced your abdomen up. There was so much blood by the time he’d gotten home and you could tell he thought you were going to die. Your bro threw out the sword in disgust by the memory and you still had the scar.

_But old angry bro aside, where was Egbert and Bo-Hoe?_

John had been just inside the lobby of his condo’s complex when he heard Dave’s shouting. Rushing out, John quickly grabbed Dave by the arm, not noticing the man at his feet at first.

“Dave! What’s-…” John held onto the shaking Strider and lowered his gaze.

“Mituna!” The Egbert gasped, falling to his knees, leaving two Strider’s with visible exclamation marks above their heads.

“Ohgodohgodohgod, please don’t be dead pleasepleaseplease!” John muttered, panic rising.

“Dude, this guy just nearly ran us over and just fell over-“

“Yeah because he’s has fucking head trauma ohshitohshitohshit!” Egbert explained in his own, panic attack-y way.

Dave kicked Egbert in the head,

“Then call the ambulance instead of having a fit, Johnathan Egbert!”

Egbert nodded quickly and pulled out a phone.

You start moving towards them when the situation finally hits you and then something else hits you.

A lanky taller version of the guy on the ground shoves you out of the way, sprinting to the side of his twin.

“Fucking _dumbathh_!” The lanky guy screeches, throwing a helmet down on the ground. “He left hith helmet _again_!”

“Sollux, I’m calling an ambulance now.” Egbert  reaches and grabs the raging boy’s hand. The boy looks like the type not to like people touching him but instead he collapses onto Egbert wearily.

But as soon as Egbert gets ahold of somebody, the moped guys sit up.

And starts _howling_.

His twin immediately grabs the sobbing concussion and starts attempting to sooth him.

“Di I-I hist them?” He stuttered out, still crying.

You see your bro rubbing the back of his head awkwardly.

“U-uh nah, man, it’s all fine, just scared us a little.” Your bro lowers his voice to silk, talking to the concussion.

“Thgat’s good…” He seems to ease his crying and nods.

“Hey! Don’t move your head around tho much!” His twin blurts, holding the sides of his head lightly but firmly.

You nearly get run over a second time, and ironically enough, it’s an ambulance.

Your bro is over to you in an instant and whips you inside the lobby.

“ _Fuck, Dirk._ ” Your bro rubs his hands over his face. “Just stay here.” And then he’s off to help.

“Ohhhhhhhh, what’s all the commotion, orange-boy?” A voice coos from beside you.

You suddenly wish you were the one getting loaded onto an ambulance.

_

 

You spend the next ten minutes in the lobby trying to overall ignore the whining Good-Will next to you. You say Good-Will because in these ten minutes you’ve been able to properly just what the Egbert’s gal-friend was wearing.

A bleached denim vest covered a Backstreet Boys t-shirt that looks like it went through a field of scissors. Her pants probably went past her bellybutton and were silver plaid that high watered away from her plastic blue sandals.

Good-Will was a dicking compliment at this point.

And what a reliever it was when your bro and Egbert walk in, arms slung around each-other’s shoulders.

“Well, that’ll hold up the dinner party a bit…” Egbert worries his bottom lip with his buck teeth.

“The medics said he should be fine, they’re just running him in as procedure.” Your bro shakes his friend lightly with his arm to ease his tense stance.

“Yeah, yeah, it’s just worrying because he’s practically my nephew at this point and he gets hurt a lot more than he should…”

“Well he does act like he’s perfectly fine and is a hell of a comedian for someone troubled.” Your bro laughs, earning himself a smirk from Egbert.

“Yeah, especially-“

“Johnnnnnnnn, if you’re just going to stand here and chat with your boyfriend at least give me the keys.” Bo-Hoe groans.

Dave raises his eyebrows and Egbert widens his doe eyes.

“Eh, let’s go up to my condo, guys.” Egbert shrugs off his girlfriend’s bitchitude and leads Dave and him to the elevator.

You and Vris-Bitch follow.

You enter the Egdork’s condo and double-take.

“Like blue, much, Egdork?” You mutter, chuckling. His condo was a beige last year and looked just fine with his mostly blue furniture, but now, he’d gone and painted the entire condo blue of variating shades on each wall.

It’s just as adorkable as the Egbert himself.

“Oh, is it too much for my student to handle?”  Egbert teased, earning a headlock from your bro.

“It’s too much for anyone to handle, numb-nuts.”

Egbert’s girlfriend brushed her way to the couch and flipped on the TV while your two favorite dweebs tussled playfully into the kitchen.

“So when and what exactly is this dinner you keep mentioning?” Your bro asked, breathily.

Egbert opened the refrigerator door,

“It’s just going to be a dinner out on the patio downstairs with my set crew from the movie as a way to kick off the start of the production and a way for me to brighten their sprits and encourage a friendlier work place for them.” Egbert grinned, tossing your bro an apple juice.

Your bro looked at the juice momentarily and then swept Egbert up in a crushing bro-hug and smooched his laughing friend right on the mouth.

You felt your eyes go wide.

“Not in front of the baby, Dave!” Egbert halfway laughed and halfway shrieked.

Oh that’s offensive.

You’d seen plenty of _things_.

Although, not really because you still called them ‘ _things_ ’.

“Then let’s take this to the bedroom, Egbert, where I will make sweet, sweet, bro-love to you, head to toe.”

“Ew, Bro.”

“Go ‘ew’ in the living room with the other ‘ew’.” Your bro reprimanded.

Instead of definding the fact that his girlfriend was just refered to as an ‘ew’, Egbert laughed and pat Dave’s chest.

“No, nooooo, now that you reminded me I need help setting up the patio for the dinner.”

“Ugh. _Work_.” Your bro shuddered.

“Oh, hush, Mister ‘Can’t Hold A Job Because It’s Not Ironic Enough’.” Egbert rolled his eyes, climbing out of Dave’s hold.

“Ouch.” Your bro pouted.

“Hey, Johny, Terezi and I are gonna go check out a possible shooting area out of town.”

“But the dinner’s tonight-!”

“I can introduce myself some other time, blue-boy,” She kissed his cheek quickly, “and I probably won’t be able to come home tonight because I don’t want to deal with that bullcrap traffic.” She added quickly, shutting the door.

Your bro was about to make a comment when a muffled “Enjoy the bed, butt-buddies!” stopped him.

Dave dropped Egbert and ran to the door, swinging it open he yelled,

“John and I’s relationship is more than that! We participate in _ass_ play not _butt_ play!”

“ _Dave_!” Egbert squawked, jumping onto Dave’s back to keep him from talking anymore.

“We’re already getting started, sweetie!” Dave got in before Egbert slammed the door.

Needless to say, Egbert locked your bro in the master bedroom.

“Okay now that that’s out of the way, we’ve got some preparations to make in a jiffy, what do you say, Dirk?” Egbert  flashed his trademark grin.

“Why can’t I be locked up and who the hell says ‘ _jiffy_ ’ anymore?” You flush as you’re brought into a side-armed hug with the Egbert, much like how your bro and he were earlier, as he led you out of his condo.

“Egbert I will piss on everything in here if you don’t let me-!”

Egbert shut the door pleasantly.

“Because you didn’t embarrass me in front of my entire complex and I guess I’ve been talking to my older cousin too much.” Egbert shrugged.

You guess that’s what you have to do to get out of thi-

“OH!” Egbert sprinted back to his door and stuck his head inside, “Piss on the left side of the room!”

You stood in disbelief as he jogged back up to you,

“Okay, _now_ I’ve wasted too much time, come on, Dirk!” Egbert grabbed your arm and began running down the hall, towing you into the dorkiest rush ever.

You just wished you could’ve kept a straight face and stopped from laughing at his dorky ass.

-

You guys spend about thirty minutes on setting up the handful of picnic tables out on the patio and ordering pizza from a nearby Pizza Hut.

Fuck Dominos, you both agree.

You guys finalize setting up by letting your bro out  of Egbert’s bedroom.

“So who’s stuff did I end up pissing on?”

“Vriska’s”

He and Egbert both high five before Egbert cringes.

“Holy fuck, man, did you actually-“

“ _Hell yes._ ”

They seem to be fine leaving it at that because they hook arms, laughing their way down to the elevator.

You think these are some choice people to look up to.

But you also feel like the extra in the backseat once more.

Oh well Egbert was your bro’s friend not yours, they have been forever so no reason to be upset about it now, you’ve enjoyed it for this long.

When you guys reach the patio a few people are already in the area.

“Hey, Cronus, Eridan, and Kankri!” Egbert gushed, pulling your bro and you along towards the group.

“Dave, Dirk, meet Cronus Ampora,” Egbert guestured to a flat-out greaser, as in this guy was wearing costumes from the movie Grease, he gave a wink and a smirk,

“You guys mighta heard me on the radio? I’m ‘Cro-Man’.” He slicked his hair back and offered the same hand to shake. You and your bro hide built up snickering behind nodding and shaking his outstretched hand.

After you and your bro finish lightly shaking the greaser’s hand, Egbert moves onto the next person standing there, a shorter, hipster version of Cronus.

“Aaaand this is Eridan Ampora, Cronus’s younger brother, he’s your age actually, Dirk!”

Eridan sniffs at his introduction but offers a hand nonetheless and sizes you up in such a quick manner your question whether or not it really happened.

“And last but not least, this is my most reliable editor, Kankri Vantas!”

A man in a red turtleneck that matched his head of bright red hair smiles politely and offers his hand.

“Oh, by the way, where’s Karkat? He said he’d come to ‘piss on everything I love’…” Egbert addresses Kankri with an amused quirk of the mouth.

“And in which you told him he would be _urinating_ on himself, yes,” Kankri corrected, English accent clear as day, before continuing, “He is indeed coming, when he heard about Mituna’s accident he decided to stop by the hospital and come with the Captors.”

Egbert nodded, “Dirk will have plenty of company during his winter break then!”

More people show up who Egbert ushers you and your bro to meet, but for the most part your bro surprisingly hangs around Cronus for most of the party.

When Mituna, Sollux, and who you presumed was Karkat, because as soon as entered he stomped his way over to Egbert and punched him in the  stomach, you decide to hang around them and not seem like such the wallflower at the party.

“Hey, you must be Mituna and Sollux.” You start, playing it cool.

“Oh come o-“ Sollux started.

“Do oyo-“ Mituna cleared his throat, “Do you ride?”

You blank before responding, “I ride skateboards, yeah.”

“Good, then you can thit with uth.” Mituna nods and Sollux sighs.

You smirk, “Is this like a Mean Girls thing?” you question, sliding onto the empty side of the picnic table.

“ _Definitely_.”

“ _Not_.” Sollux adds with an eyeroll.

“Oh, ignore that bitchy-bee, he’th jutht upthet I made him care.” Mituna waved a hand.

“Maybe if you actually cared about your health!” Sollux butted in.

“Woah, woah, guys. You said it’s not but I’m definitely picking up on a Regina Miles and Gretchen Wieners vibe from you two.”

“ _Thtop._ ”

”Fucking yeth.”  The two twins answered.

Mituna cracked a smile,

“You’re jutht upthet becauthe he totally thinkth I’m the Regina.”

“Fuck you I’d be Regina. You’re too thtupid to be her-wait why am I even arguing thith-!?” Sollux groaned, hiding a small smile.

“Dude. That means Karkat’s Karen.” Mituna cackled, Sollux couldn’t hold back the laugh that escaped.

“I heard my name!” Shouted an angry stub of a teen as he made his fiery-red head way to the table.

Unlike his older brother, Karkat had more of a Scottish accent.

Plopping his self down onto your side of the bench, he raises an eyebrow expectantly.

“Oh, nothing, Karen.” Mituna slipped in quickly, itching his ear and finding the building’s top floor to be quite interesting.

“Oh my fuck are you guys talking about Mean Girls again-?!” Karkat slammed his head down onto the table.

“New guy brought it up.” Sollux flicked Karkat on the head.

“ _Why_?” Karkat asked menacingly as he raised his head slowly to look at you.

“Okay that’s scary as shit and I didn’t know it was a cursed subject-“

“Don’t appool-appologize to him,” Mituna got up, moving to pull you up along with him into your second hug that day, “they’re jutht remenithing the time I pretended to feel bad and made the watch Mean Girlth on repeat the entire day.”

You grinned at that.

“Thee-? He think-thinkth I’m funny!” Mituna proclaimed, jabbing a finger at your upturned cheek.

“That’th becauth he didn’t live through it, dipthit.” Sollux muttered, but seemed to be warming up to you by the minute, probably because his twin approved of you.

“OH! New betht friend, let’th go thkating tomo!” Mituna offered a fist to pump.

You were down.

You think back to your bro and Egbert’s conversation earlier and realize he really doesn’t show he has problems.

It made you admire him a bit, you were for sure keeping in touch with the dude when you go back to Texas.

Mituna glances behind Sollux’s back into the crowd and snickers.

Sollux notices and turns around, as soon as he does so Mituna and Karkat run off, Mituna dragging you along with him.

“Woah, hey, dude-“

“Thhhhhhhhh!” Mituna pulls you into the back door of the lobby and peaks his head around the corner.

When he turns back you give him an incredulous look.  

“Eridan. He and Thol have thith thing.”

You raise an eyebrow and peak around the corner.

You see the two of them engaging in an argument, each getting closer by the minute.

“They fight everytime they see eachother?” You question, turning back to Mituna.

“And then run off to thmooooch.” He stares at you, you stare back before you both crack grins.  

You both sit there taking turns looking around the corner, and when they both come your way the two of you sit back and act natural.

They don’t see you at first as Sollux leads Eridan down the hall but Mituna calls out,

“Have fun kiddieth!” And then you just have to join in,

“Stay safe!”

“Don’t be thilly wrap that willy!”

“Cover your stump before you hump!”

“Cage that thnake then thake and bake!”

You both end it at that as the two of you are laughing too hard and Sollux and Eridan flip you off as they reach the closet door.

The party ends too soon for your liking and before Mituna and Sollux leave you exchange Persterchum handles and whisper a few more condom innuendos to Sollux.

Egbert, your bro, and you make your ways up to his condo.

Egbert says his tired goodnight after plugging his phone up to a dock on the kitchen counter. Your bro stays in the living room with you as you settle on the couch.

“You could sleep in the guest room you know, you lil shit.”

You shake your head stubbornly.

“I’m too drained.”

“You only socialized all night, you didn’t run a marathon.”

“Socializing is like running a marathon, Bro.”

“Oh, alright, remind me to sign you up for some group therapy when we get back.” He retorts, challenging you.

You groan and flip him off.

Your bro chuckles, ruffles your hair and starts towards Egbert’s door.

“Bro, what are you-“

“You heard the bitch, I get Egbert for the night.” He wiggles his eyebrows and you mutter a ‘gross’ that he shrugs off.

You assume they are asleep after their light bickering fades into silence.

That is until your phone buzzes in your pocket and you see a text from Bro.

‘ _Getting rid of the crazy bitch tomo xoxo’_

You snort softly but send an agreement to him before falling asleep on the Egdork’s couch.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	4. Of This Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk pranks? John's a shorty? And Vriska's all about natural hair colors? Whaaaat?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys this isn't much of a chapter but this one was kind of hard for me to write with so much on my mind but I'll make it up to you guys later. Love to you all who continue to kudos and review.

You are woken by hushed voices and a softly shutting door.

You groggily bring your phone up to your face, as there is no light shining through the living-room windows.

4:20

You feel somewhere in the back of your mind thinking of blazing something before groaning in anguish at being woken up so early.

“Oh, hell, Rezi, you’ve gone and woke up the tike.”

“Oh well.” You hear a chilled-out nasally voice and look up to see a silhouette shrugging and another leaning against the kitchen counter.

Ah, Vris-Bitch and her friend decided to stop by.

You make sure to shoot them a pointed glare from your un-shaded eyes before lying back down.

“He’s going back to sleep so it’s all good.”

“ _Not if you keep talking._ ” You hiss out through your clinched jaw.

You’re about to sigh in relief when you don’t hear them say anything else but instead you manage to hear a creak and slow footsteps from the other room.

You take a glance and see your bro’s head emerge from the bedroom.

“Lil’ man.” He waves his arms, signaling for you to come along.

You feel gratitude your bro is not only a light sleeper but a caring sleeper.

No bro left behind.

Your feet touch the ground and you suddenly feel the aches in your legs, wincing, you continue on into the room.

Dave shuts the door softly and ushers you and him to the bed where he holds the blankets up for you to move in.

You cuddle up to your bro, your way of saying ‘thank you, boo.’

In a less weird way you mean.

Dave chuckles and allows the snuggling to continue as the two of you find sleep with a wall to separate you from Vris-Bitch and her friend.

The next time you wake up you’re not even really awake and you feel somebody brush your hair lightly before murmuring words, words that your brain recognizes as gibberish and ignores it can shut off once more.

You turn over and become a heat-seeking missile as you head back off to dream land with Rainbow Dash and stuff you’d be too embarrassed to mention aloud should anybody ask about your dreams.

You’re finally able to awake comfortably,

_Really comfortably._

You feel a rumble in the chest of your bro that builds up to a laugh.

“Dirk, man, I love you too but I kind of wanna make breakfast!” You jerk violently off of the chest of who you presumed was Dave but nah.

It was the Egbert.

You crinkle your nose, in confusion before realizing your bro wasn’t even in the bed.

“Oh that’s cute.” Egbert rolls his eyes as he sits up. “I didn’t know you drooled, man.”

You’d wish a thousand painful deaths instead of being in this situation in which Egbert begins wiping your _drool_ off of his chest.

“Dirk it’s fine I was just trying to mess with you,” Egbert pats your shoulder, it resonates with a crisp smack because, _oh looky there you’re without a shirt and in you Rainbow Dash boxers still_. It’s not like he’s not in the Ghost Busters version of your wear but it’s embarrassing to you when he’s tan and healthy looking at least, you have a pasty, freckled chest and those awkward teen muscles. You look off to the side, hoping you can save face, a box of Egbert pranks suddenly becomes more interesting to look at.

_Is that hair dye-?_

_Fucking Cutie-Pie pink-?_

“Dirk? Dude, it’s fine! If anything it’s a compliment to me, my body is drool material.” Egbert laughs some more, not helping you in the slightest.

“Yeah? Well at least I have more muscles than you, Egdork.” Comes out of your mouth in a quick defense

He opens his mouth.

And closes it again.

“Yo, Egbert, when you’re done gaping do ya think I could get some of that breakfast you were talking about?” You snicker, now having the upperhand.

Egbert  chuckles, raising his brow at you, “Alright, and would you like your pancakes in the shape of ponies, Princess?” He addresses to your boxers.

You recline back onto the bed, “Is that even a question? Now hurry up, Peasant.”

He gives a dorky bow before leaving the room to go bang around pot and pans.

In the meantime, you find your phone out on the couch as well as your shades…

_Shit fucking penises Egbert saw you without your glasses._

You think to yourself, ignoring the fact that he’s more than likely to have seen Dave without his, but it was also different because his red eyes would have been heard of before at least, _orange_ though? No way.

_But he didn’t flinch once and even looked you in the eyes while talking to you._

You end your internal pubescent flip-out by putting your shade back where they belonged, on the crinkle of your nose.

You open your phone, sending your bro a quick text asking where in the dicking heavens was he, and walk to the kitchen where the Egdork flips pancakes like the master dweeb he is.

“Is there an audition for a cheesy Luke Skywalker soon? Because you need to go for it.”

“Ha ha.” Egbert snarks back.

“So, what are we doing today, Egbert.” You sigh, leaning back onto the counters.

“Well-“

“Woah.” You cut Egbert off, pushing up from the counter.

“What is it?” Egbert holds his flipping momentarily to look over curiously.

“Dude, I think I grew last night.” You say, you’d normally were able to hook your hip into the space between the cabinet and the top of the counter, but as you just attempted this you realize your hip reaches the top of the counter.

Egbert pouts, brows drawn together and lip pulled out over his teeth.

“Do _not_ stand close to me today.” He grumbles out, turning back to the pancakes.

You snicker when you realize it’s because you’re probably his height now, so when Egbert places the finished pancakes on the counter next to him, so make sure to lean over him and linger there for good measure before grabbing a couple pancakes.

When you back off to the small table to eat your breakfast you look back.

_Oh my god._

Egbert remained rooted to his spot, face twitching in annoyance and short-man’s rage.

Yes, short-man’s rage is in fact an emotion.

And it is an emotion experienced daily by the Egbertian.

You duck your head down and shove pancakes into your mouth when he turns to look over at you, hiding your laughter through your stuffed mouth.

“Diiiirk.”

_Nope. Keep on chewing and ignore the lollipop kid as much as you can._

“Pssssst.”

_Avoid asking how the yellow brick road is this time of year, don’t do it. No, Dirk._

“Hey, Dirk.” Came a whisper into your right ear, warm morning breath searing your neck and right side of your face.

_Dirk no-!_

“How’s the yellow brick road this time of year, Egbert?”

It’s silent when you turn your head slightly to the side, catching a quick glance at Egbert’s face.

“I know… _where you sleep_.” Egbert whispers in a tone you can’t place at first but when he pushes off of your chair and you turn fully around you see just what tone he was using just by looking at his crooked smile and lowered eyelids.

_He’s gonna prank you so fucking hard._

_Dammit, Dirk._

You think maybe talking to yourself in your thoughts might be a tad worrisome to your mental health but at the moment you can’t seem to care because Egbert is gonna have your ass served on a whipped-cream and tar-feathered platter.

It doesn’t help your nerves when Egbert spends the rest of his breakfast staring at you with that same _fucking scary ass_ expression on his face.

_Dorks officially scare the shit out of you._

After you retire to the couch and Egbert goes to his room to get ready, two giggling females come out of the guest room on the other side of the condo.

“Rezi, there’s _no_ way-“

“Fine, don’t believe me-!” They both erupted in fits of the gossip-giggles.

_Ew, is this what you missed out on being born a girl-? Fuck that shit._

“Aw, Johnny made breakfast.” Vris-Bitch croons, picking up the plate of pancakes.

The two of them settle at the table and you try _so_ hard to drown them out with the TV but a loud,

“Oh, my god! I _juuuuuuuust_ got my hair done! No way!”

“But it would look so fuckin cool, Vris!”

“I’m all about natural hair colors, no-way, Rezi!”

Pierces your ears.

And the TV has been turned up to its limit.

_Fucking banshees._

You decide to get up and go to bother Egbert about a muzzle he may or may not have for his girlfriend, slipping your way into his room you hear the attached bathroom’s shower running.

_Oh, damn._

You sigh, settling back down onto Egbert’s bed, because it is the shit, like no, we’re talking about prime bedding.

_Including its owner._

Okay, where the _fuck_ did that come from-?

Oh well. You’ll write yourself off as just being ironically funny, because you wouldn’t dream of bedding the Egbert, no.

The shower turns off and Egbert emerges with a screech, covering his manly-bits upon seeing you.

“ _Dirk-!_ ”

You nearly bust your gut and fall off the bed pissing yourself in laughter.

Egbert grabbed his awaiting pants and shoves them on hastily, red in the face.

“Dude, I’d think you were a chick if I wasn’t just flashed your secrets.” You manage through gasps, eyes blurring with tears.

“ _Not_ cool, man!” Egbert shoves you the rest of the way to the floor.

You hit the floor with an ‘oof’ but continue gasping your laughter away.

“Duuude.”

You sit up, wiping the remains  of your tears away,

“Don’t worry I wasn’t in here to try and take a peek into the secrets of Egbert cove-“

“That doesn’t make sense-“

“But I _do_ need to use the bathroom now.” You say, patting Egbert on the shoulder as you pass him by. Your eyes catching the box of pranks once more.

You snatch the hair-dye up from the box and lock yourself in the bathroom.

_All about the natural colors, huh?_

You run the sink as you poor out a very feminine looking bottle of shampoo.

And poor the hair dye into the emptied bottle.

You nearly drop the bottle when a fist pounds at the door.

“Come oooooooon! I need to get ready!”

You really have the best of luck sometimes.

You put the shampoo bottle in an identical position as it had been in before and cover all evidence under toilet paper in the waste bin of the bathroom.

Swinging the door open you bow to the Egbert’s gal-friend.

She tisks and pushes you out of the way, slamming the door of the bathroom in your smug-ass face.

It’s only thirty minutes later when the shrieking begins and you sprint out of Egberts condo for cover.

Then, it’s about another thirty minutes later that Vriska and Terezi come stomping out of the complex.

“I think it looks cool-“

“ _Shut **up**_!”

You return to find a disheveled Egbert with his head resting on the counter, who offers you a fist to bump as you pass by.  


End file.
